The situation was untenable. The monster lizard was holding our kitchen hostage. It wasn’t scared of us. Every time I went in there it would look down at me from the wall as if to say “this is my home and there is nothing you can do about it”. Then, just to assert its authority, it would wake us up every morning at about 5am with an incredibly loud battle cry. The battle cries were a warning. The monster lizard was saying “get out now humans! Leave while you still can. Because I am coming, I will find you. And then I will eat you.” This message was reinforced one night when the monster lizard made a huge, crashing noise. It had caught a gecko. It then ate the gecko. Geckos make the most pitiful noises when they are being eaten; a very sad-sounding ‘eeeeeh’ noise. “Why?”, it was saying, “why are you eating me? All I want to do is eat mosquitoes and poo everywhere.” If I wasn’t so scared of the monster lizard (and if I hadn’t just been woken up around midnight) I would have gone into the kitchen and saved the gecko.
The gecko-slaughter was the final straw. It was me or the monster lizard. One of us had to leave the house.
There was no way I was going to try and catch the monster lizard (that would involve actually going near it – no way!) so I had to scare it somehow. Vaguely waving a stick in its direction didn’t seem to work. But then I came up with a brilliant plan...stomping!
Every time I went into the kitchen I would stomp my feet. My first attempts weren’t very successful, probably because I was hiding behind Dan – he was blocking the sound. I had to be brave and face the lizard and stomp, stomp stomp. Success! The monster lizard ran away! When it returned I stomped again. It ran away again! This went on for three days. The monster lizard must have finally realised that the crazy human in the house was going to make a god-awful noise every time it saw it. The monster lizard never returned. I won the battle.
The battle, but not the war. Since the monster lizard left us, our house has become a menagerie for an assortment of animals. We have had slugs, toads and rats (which could have been mice) in our kitchen, geckos all through the house, and bats and not-quite-as-big monster lizards on our veranda. I am convinced this is an orchestrated effort by the monster lizard. It is using its furry, scaly and slimy friends to try and drive us out of its rightful home. It hasn’t been successful so far, all it has achieved so far is that I refuse to go into the kitchen at night time unless the light is already on in there. Dan and I will continue to fight the good fight. We will ensure that our house is our home, and ours alone! Definitely no monster lizards allowed. And no rats....eeeew!
This is how the gecko/crocodile/monster lizard saw me after three days of me stomping at it.
This is what I was actually like.
Bahahahaha! I liked the idea of your lizard... until I read about it making horrid noises and EATING THE GECKO!!! Poor little Gecko. Good on you for stomping. You must have some good stomping skills. That'll teach him for eating the poor little Gecko and taking the kitchen hostage.
ReplyDeleteMy stomping skills are getting a definite work-out here. First I was stomping at the monster lizard, now I have to stomp before I go into the kitchen so any rats in there run away before I enter.
ReplyDeleteAt this rate I'll be coming back to Australia with very worn-out (and possibly flat) feet.
-Is.